Up In The Air: Notes from 29 May 2018

I write notes to myself. When my brain feels overloaded or when I can’t find my voice, my fingers seem to find the keys and tap, tap, tap my ticking thoughts into words. It’s Tuesday the 1st of September, 2020 and under a new moon that feels significant (that I am quite mad about) I’m noting how I feel in this present moment. It’s all become a bit much, so I trawl through my notes, back in time, through grocery lists, birthday present ideas, work notes, chores left unticked, ideas left as letters strung together with unexplored potential.

I find the below, thoughts captured as I flew from Auckland to Tokyo on the 29th of May, 2018. Over two years later, they feel relevant. I reach the bottom and find a warm reminder for myself. The same exists as a wish I have for someone else.

NOTE BEGINS.

We’re travelling at an altitude of 10,973m with a ground speed of 863km/h and I’m trying to imagine how I would feel travelling at that speed down State Highway 1. It gets my head spinning, which I feel is fairly accurate of how life on earth can be sometimes. In the month leading up to my take off, days have felt like hours and hours like minutes. As I’m suspended between land and sky, in a physical limbo, surrendering myself to 20th century invention and 21st century finesse, I find time. Time to take a breath, time to see that ‘God’s eye view’ on my life. As I soar between earth and heaven, these things come to me.

Get out. Go overseas. See the world. Do the OE in London. Don’t waste your youth. New Zealand is so small. New Zealand is so far away. There are places far better. You’ve only got two years. Come back. Buy a house. Invest now. Save more. Make sure you’re contributing to Kiwisaver. Spend money to make money. Negotiate your worth. Money doesn’t matter. Is it a good move for your career? But you should stay. You can progress better here. You won’t have to get interest on your student loan. Pay off your student loan. Do what you’re passionate about. Don’t buy overpriced avocados. Do buy the avos and make expensive guac that will fuel your mind, body and soul. #yolo. Move faster. Slow down. You don’t need a degree for what you want to do. Make sure you at least get a degree. Don’t waste your time on social media. Grow your network. Seize the day. Wait for the right moment. You’re amazing. You can do better. What do you want?

- INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL VOICES, SOME MORE REPUTABLE THAN OTHERS

You and I might share these exact same fleeting and furious feelings, thoughts, welcomed and unwelcome advice and opinion. Ones of inspiration, hesitation, question, frustration, surrender. You and I might react in the same way, or we might act differently. What confuses and halts me, you may have clarity and motivation.

But what am I truly seeing from this God’s eye view I’ve forced myself to look from? Endless opportunity.

The need for decisiveness that comes with the realisation that we can’t have it all. In order to live the life we want to live, we have to make the decisions. And at the times where we tell ourselves we have no control, it wasn’t our decision, it just happened- it’s your decision on how you react.

I need to push ‘mute’ on external noise- it’s taking up headspace. Let’s turn up the mic and tune into Radio One. As cheesy as it is, Radio Me.

Actively, or accidentally hit the reset button. See how long it takes to reboot.

I hope when I hit the ground, I’m walking. Noise-cancelling headphones playing a new song called Tokyo, one that I’ve never heard before. A lovely, leisurely, stress-free stroll where I’m fully present in the life that I’m living.